The 3 Worst Legal Defenses of All Time

Sometimes, when defense lawyers are put into the position of a difficult client that both refuses to take a reasonable plea, and has no reasonable defense, under the obligations of their duty under the law, they come up with a defense that sounds completely insane. In their defense, they are obliged to do this, so long as they don’t knowing suborn perjury, they have to defend their client no matter what.

#1. When Women Become Hysterical It’s Necessary to Punch them in the Face Defense

Groom-to-be Louis Palmer wanted one last fling after his stag and doe party, so he cornered one the attendees, and began to sexually assault them. When she screamed and fought back, he punched her in the face. What was his defense to this? Firstly, he said that the woman propositioned him for one last fling, and figuring it would be a “five second fumble”, he took her up on the offer and they had a bit of sex, and then both went on their merry way. The police, of course, asked why, if she had consented, there was bruising on her face. He then recalled that she had become hysterical and what better way to alleviate a woman of her hysteria than to ‘slap her to bring her around.’ Unfortunately for Mr. Palmer, this was all caught on security camera. He was sentenced to 7 years for sexual assault. His wife still married him.

#2. The Throat Slashing Gesture Defense

Michael Sampson of Kansas was hauled in before a judge for driving with a suspended license and littering. What was his defense to these alleged crimes? He decided to make throat slashing gestures at the judge, several police officers, and then he threw in a finger gun gesture for good measure. While littering and driving with a suspended license carry minimal fines, threatening state employees and witness intimidation, if you could call it that, are felonies that carry much stiffer sentences. Thus, Michael Sampson is the reigning champion for the worst criminal defense in the history of the world.

#3. Too Fat to Die

At a loss, perhaps, for why their client should be spared the death penalty after his conviction for the rape, torture, and murder of two college students, his lawyers simply argued that he was just too fat to die. At 5’7” 267 pounds, Cooey was a portly many at the time of his execution, but the Supreme Court ruled that no one is ever too fat to die. While the Supreme Court won’t allow prisoners who are morbidly obese to hang, they have no such qualms about lethal injection. Cooey’s lawyers argued that his veins were too clogged with cholesterol so it would be inhuman somehow. After his appeals were rejected, Cooey attempted to escape from prison, apparently too fat to die, but not too fat to attempt jumping several barbed wire fences. Cooey was eventually executed.

“If you’re forced into the position of defending a client that won’t plead guilty nor take a plea for a reduced sentence,” says one criminal defense attorney Oakland County. “Then you got to just kind of make something up.”